From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 10/25/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #298] Individuality
"The individuality of very well differentiated people is developed to the point that they can be responsible for themselves and not fault others for their own discontents. Togetherness needs are such that, while people are attracted to and interested in one another, their functioning is not dependent on each other's acceptance and approval... Unconstrained by fears about how one another might respond to moves toward increased or decreased involvement, the relationship has remarkable freedom." - Michael E. Kerr and Murray Bowen
Bowen's family systems theory defines individuality as the capacity to be an individual while a part of a group, to be an individual and a team player. Togetherness propels us "to follow the directives of others, to be a dependent, connected, and indistinct entity". The "force to be connected is reflected in the striving to act, feel, and think like others, as well as in striving to have others act, feel, and think like oneself". Differentiation is "the ability to be in emotional contact with others yet still autonomous in one's emotional functioning."
As an extroverted person, I have a strong drive to be connected. This drive encouraged me to search for my new office space in a group setting. I found myself attracted to a home in my neighborhood that is inhabited by a group of practitioners in the helping professions. There was one shared office space available.
Interviewing with the person who would share the office, I found myself wanting her approval while at the same time having clear ideas about how I wanted the office to look. This resulted in some statements on my part that sounded more like pronouncements rather than open dialogue. When she decided not to share her office with me, I was tempted to blame her for my disappointment. Then, I began to blame myself for not being more of a team player. Finally, I connected with my higher self and responded rather than reacted with clarity that opening my new office in my home will allow me freedom to be autonomous and to choose togetherness as I am guided.
Experiment: Dialogue with your partner about the interplay of individuality and togetherness in your lives.
Affirmation: I am an individual and a team player.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved.
