From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 10/14/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #279] Commitment - Phobia
"There are a whole range of terrific reasons why any of us might want to be part of that bonded unit known as a couple. There are equally valid reasons why each of us might prefer to live the unencumbered life of a single person. At one time or another every one of us has probably struggled with this decision, and some of us struggle a lot.
There is a big difference, however, between struggling with the implications of commitment and hurting others because you can't handle those implications. Act out your conflicts within a relationship, and somebody is going to get hurt. That's why it's so important to understand and work out these conflicts without inflicting pain on ourselves and others."
-- Steven Carter and Julia Sokol – He's Scared, She's Scared
In today's quote, Carter and Sokol may seem critical of people who act out conflicting needs for intimacy and autonomy. In other parts of "He's Scared, She's Scared" they carefully state that people who appear to be victims of a commitment-phobe are most likely to have similar issues with intimacy and commitment to their acting-out partner. They strongly support the folk wisdom that it takes two to tango.
In my own experience, I've seen myself alternate between the pursurer and the distancer, from one relationship to the next. And I've conceived my journey of development as a work of broadening my own personal comfortable space between the polarities of intimacy and autonomy.
I think most of us struggle a bit with our needs for intimacy and autonomy. The most useful question is: How are we going to handle our inevitable struggles with our opposing needs? Eddy and I would say that the dialogue process is the perfect tool to explore our struggles and decrease our fears of being engulfed or abandoned.
Experiment: Dialogue with your partner about your process of coming to terms with your fears of being engulfed or abandoned. Since this can be a threatening conversation, be sure to use the partner dialogue techniques of mirroring, empathy and validation.
Affirmation: We are increasing our ability to enjoy both intimacy and autonomy.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved.
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