From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 10/9/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #277] Unconscious Roles
"If you are like most couples, you will try to follow a script that was written by the role models that you grew up with.. Being aware of this natural tendency is often all that it takes to save you from a disappointing drama.. Once you are aware of the roles that you tend to take, you can then discuss how to write a new script together."
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
The planner role is one of the more important roles in a partnership. Eddy and I saw planning modeled differently in our families. Eddy's parents were avid planners who liked to plan and were both actively involved in planning by consensus. Marty's parents operated a family farm, where planning for farm work took precedence and planning for vacations was very rare. Marty's father dominated the work planning and both mostly avoided recreation planning.
In our partnership, we see ourselves acting out the old family patterns. Eddy is an avid planner who believes that "failing to plan is planning to fail." Marty, like his mother, is a planning avoider. He appears to believe that "it's best to take each day as it comes – planning is a setup for disappointment."
One might think that these roles fit together rather well. Eddy could be the planner, and Marty could be her supporter. What tends to happen however is that Eddy is frustrated because she believes in joint planning and doesn't want all the responsibility. Marty tends to be frustrated because he doesn't want Eddy to plan time away from "the farm."
Experiment: Dialogue about an area in your partnership where your familial roles were different and how this is a root of frustration for you today. Brainstorm ways to modify the roles in your partnership.
Affirmation: As we bring our approach to roles into the light of dialogue, we are gaining freedom to play our roles differently.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved.
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