From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 10/3/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #273] Differences
"Now we arrive at the heart of the matter. Our 'free' choice of a mate is, in the end, a product of our unconscious, which has an agenda of its own. And what the unconscious wants is to become whole and to heal the wounds of childhood. … How do we go about that? By falling madly in love with someone who has both the positive and the negative traits of our imperfect parents, someone who fits an image that we carry deep inside us, and for whose embodiment we are unconsciously searching."
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
Our choice of a partner is perfect, ideally suited to us in ways that have the potential to develop and round-out our personalities. An example from our partnership may help explain.
Eddy has the capacity to be an independent woman, to take care of herself in most situations. However, she prefers to ask for help, and accomplish in teams rather than individually. In relationship, she prefers lots of interaction in time spent together. She thanks me for immediately turning off the radio when she enters the car.
I have the capacity to work with a team and interact well with other people. However, I prefer to mostly work alone, figure things out for myself, and accomplish individually. I tend to get a vague overwhelmed feeling after interacting or listening for awhile. This vague feeling gradually becomes acute if I try to ignore it. I thank Eddy for being quiet so that I can read when she sits next to me.
These preferences are both OK. But, when combined, they have the potential to degenerate into continuing conflict. In times of stress, Eddy escalates her need for connection, while I increase my need for space. Without conscious intention to work with our differences and skills to engage in occasional dialogue, we could easily spiral out of control on this issue.
Experiment:
Dialogue with your partner about your need for space or connection and how your partner can help you meet these needs.
Affirmation:
Our self-image and capacity to be loving are growing together as we consciously meet both our needs for autonomy and connection.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved.
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