From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 7/21/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #200] Active Listening
"I still believe that compassion and empathy are really the key. What I'm worried about is, 'How hard is this [active listening] for people to do?' "
- John Gottman
In a teleconference discussion arranged by Imago Therapist Edward Shea, Gottman summarized his research, clarified his thoughts and answered questions. Regardless of what John Gottman found out about happy newlyweds in his 6 year study of 130 couples, active listening has worked for conflict resolution with this happily married newlywed couple. Our great results have prompted us to share our amazement with the effectiveness of these tools with the world.
Marty and I have both been through the painful experience of divorce. We both believe that if we had the tools we have today in our first marriages, we would be happily married with our first mates. We both decided on our first date to get help in creating a great relationship so we would not repeat the past. Marty knew Edward Shea who lives in the Chicago area and suggested we do counseling with him over the phone. Later we took a workshop from Harville Hendrix and Rick Brown titled "Getting The Love You Want". Last year we used Harville and Helen's book "The Couples Companion" daily to support our dialogues.
The result was that we found the discipline of daily practice of listening skills has kept our married life vibrant. Last night as we went to bed, we were both feeling angry and disconnected. As we paraphrased and validated each others thoughts and feelings, sharing how it was familiar from childhood, we reached a very intimate level of connection. Yes, it took time. We both know it is much harder to go through divorce than to take the time to use this simple structured process.
Experiment: Talk about your resistance to using active listening.
Affirmation: I am taking the time to create great relationships.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved.
