From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 6/19/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #169] More Co-dependence
"Co-dependence is an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns... Relationships can exist only between equals; inequality is a hallmark of co-dependence... It is also an unconscious conspiracy between two or more people to feel bad and to limit each other's potential... If two people in relationship have agreed to be less than whole, their problems are multiplied. For example, when you multiply 1/2 times 1/2, you get 1/4, less than you had on your own. This is how co-dependence works. Two people come into relationship and limit each other's potential; they end up with less than they had before... Co-dependence is an addiction to control and approval... As long as we try to control ourselves and others, and as long was we strive to get others to like us, that spiritual essence is obscured. When we wake up and start loving ourselves, we claim our divine right." - Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph. D.
Co-dependence is not in my dictionary. There seems to be a variety of ways in which it has been defined. The pattern that Gay and Kathlyn describe is commonly recognized as unhealthy. In Transactional Analysis, it is described as a parent-child relationship.
Gay and Kathlyn describe several characteristics of co-dependency. Here is a shortened version of their check list.
- Do you try to get others to change their bad habits?
- When others feel bad, do you try to fix it, make it your fault or worry?
- Do you have secrets?
- Are you out of touch with one or more emotion (anger, sadness, fear, shame)?
- Do you often criticize yourself, others or get criticized?
- Do you try to control others or feel controlled by others?
- Do you recycle the same pattern in your arguments?
- Do you spend energy in arguments trying to prove you are right?
- Do you often agree that you are at fault in arguments?
- Do you agree to do things you do not want to do, feel bad and say nothing?
- Do people break their agreements with you?
Experiment: Dialogue about your behaviors on the check list.
Affirmation: I am enhancing the energy and creativity of myself and my partner.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved.
