From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 5/9/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #128] Slow Escalation
"In my case, when I become afraid, when fear overcomes me, my ordinary lightness of outlook, which generously might be referred to as wit, degenerates into sarcasm and snideness, a biting bitterness towards those around me -- not because I am snide by nature, but because I am afraid ... And in Treya's case, when overcome with fear, her resilient strength would degenerate into rigidity, into a harsh stubborness, an attempt to control and monopolize ... Snideness collided with unyieldingness and the result was destroying us both." - - Ken Wilber, Grace and Grit Even couples who are regularly practicing dialogue will occasionally experience a slow escalation of tension with each other. Escalation occurs as we settle into a pattern of mutually reinforcing behaviors that we don't like.
Slow escalation is more likely to occur when external stressors are present. When stressed, we tend toward the extremes of our personality, extremes which tend to provoke our partners to react.
What seems to help is to tell my truth, that which I've been avoiding telling. Telling my truth is not blaming, labeling, criticizing, or playing if-only-you-would. Telling my truth is stating what seems to be happening, how I'm feeling, and any insights about how I'm partly responsible for the distress I'm feeling.
Experiment: Dialogue with your partner about an area where you've been noticing some increasing tension. Be careful to stress your own role in causing the tension.
Affirmation: Telling my truth helps.
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