From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 4/4/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #94] Understanding
"In the long course of history, having people who understand your thought is much greater security than another submarine." - J. William Fulbright
William Fulbright was a politician who as U.S. senator proposed the Fulbright Act, which established an exchange program for American and foreign educators and students. Safety in our relationships is gained from understanding each other's thoughts rather than increasing our defense. When we have a method for making sure we understand our partner's thoughts, we are less likely to create conflict.
In relationship we are often armed with defense mechanisms to win the battle. We have our weapons poised with questions like "Why didn't you call me?" "Where were you all of this time?" or "Who did you have lunch with today?" We say these questions with an attitude of hostility, ready to go to war. We approach our relationship as a struggle between opposing forces.
In dialogue, our partner may be describing their thoughts and we find ourselves thinking, "This does not make sense." In these situations, it is difficult to acknowledge that we understand our partner's thoughts because we don't. A good way to respond in this situation (after mirroring) is to say, "Would you please help me understand more about what you mean when you say..." or "Would you please help me understand more about how you came to the conclusion that..." What and how questions create more safety.
Experiment: Dialogue with your partner about an area in which you have conflicting thoughts. Use what and how questions to ask for clarification. Mirror the answer you receive. Continue to ask questions and mirror until you understand, and your partner feels understood.
Affirmation: I am exchanging thoughts with my partner and understanding their logic even if I don't agree.
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