From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 3/22/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #81] More on Boundaries
"Most families get into struggles, period. When you have a goup of people living together for a long time, struggles are inevitable. This is normal. You should not feel that your family is 'dysfunctional' if you get into arguments from time to time." -- Edward Hallowell and John J. Ratey, Answers to Distraction
Words like "boundaries" tend to gain a fuzzy meaning because people use them in different ways. I try to maintain my own personal definition because it helps me think more clearly.
I like to define a boundary as a description of a way that I don't want to be treated by other people. For example, I don't want people to hit me or call me names. I use "standard" to describe the way that I want to treat myself and other people. One of my standards is to pay my bills on time (I sometimes violate my standards). A more subtle standard I aspire to is: Be respectful.
In partner dialogue we cooperate with various boundaries and standards. Obvious boundaries are labeling & name-calling each other ("you're being a jerk") or physical acting out (hitting or throwing objects). A more subtle boundary is unrequested advice-giving ("If I were you, I'd ..."). We also strive to certain high standards in dialogue (listening, mirroring, acknowledging, and so forth).
Experiment: Dialogue about the standards and boundaries that you observe and don't observe in your typical partner dialogue.
Affirmation: Having appropriate standards and boundaries nourishes our healthy respect for ourselves and each other.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved. To share this with a friend, encourage them to subscribe by visiting our website at http://dailydialogue.com/. You may also unsubscribe at the website.
