From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 3/18/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #77] More on Differentiation
"Would you say more about the link between differentiation and self-esteem? I'm still not sure that I understand you." -- a daily dialogue reader.
Murray Bowen, the family therapist, noticed that families having problems tended to be unusually reactive to each other in therapy sessions. They seemed to be overly influenced by the thoughts and feelings of each other and usually adopted ways of avoiding each other. Murray developed two polarities that he called "fusion" and "differentiation" to help explain his idea that hyper-reactivity arises out of a failure to gain a mature independence from the feelings and thoughts of each other. Without a mature independence in thoughts and feelings, a family member's status is tenuous and fragile; it depends on the whims of other family members.
My self-esteem is a construct, a label for a set of actions, thoughts and feelings that I normally choose for myself. When my actions, thoughts and feelings indicate respect, optimism and appreciation for myself, you would say that I have high self-esteem. When my actions, thoughts and feelings indicate disrespect, pessimism, and criticism for myself, you would say that I have low self-esteem.
It's unlikely that I will develop a set of respectful and optimistic habits towards myself when I perceive that my well-being is subject to your whims.
Experiment: Dialogue about an area where you notice that you are most reactive to your partner's behavior.
Affirmation: Our practice of dialogue ushers an era of co-creativity.
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