From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 1/9/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #9] Making it OK
"We believe that the minimal approach should focus on the overlearning of a few basic skills ... We currently favor non-defensive listening, validating, and soothing; to us, these seem fundamental ..." John Gottman and Regina Rusche, University of Washington
When Eddy and I presented relationship workshops, it amazed me to see how differently couples perform the core dialogue skills. Some listeners look scary and others look soothing. Their bodies seem to be communicating some of their thoughts and attitudes about each other.
Creating a safe environment requires more than listening and acknowledging. It seems to require a way of thinking about my partner that makes it OK for her to be angry with me, OK to be frightened about the future, or OK to be sad about her loss, and OK for her to share that with me. It also requires an ability to let her have her feelings without absorbing them into myself. Perhaps these abilities are learned easily in some families. But for most of us, years of overlearning are required to approach mastery.
Experiment: Next time your partner comes to you with an unpleasant dialogue topic, pretend you are the most spiritually advanced and non-judgemental person you know or have read about.
Affirmation: I offer my partner a pure soothing presence, free from judgement, open to understanding.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved.
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