From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 9/5/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #248] What Men Need
"In other cultures, men have something to do after a loss, such as singing, drumming, rituals, and telling stories. Grief is linked with meaning. Men come together around an activity where the stories, tears and laughter can flow."
- David Birre, Notes from a Tom Golden Workshop (www.webhealing.com)
As a man in a western culture, I have little to help me with experiencing grief. That's a problem for me because I experience losses on almost a daily basis. Usually it's a micro-loss, like a disappointment, other times it's a mega-loss, the loss of a dream or the loss of a loved-one.
Through my efforts to become more conscious, I've come to know that grief is a normal experience that accompanies loss. Grief has a constellation of emotions that go with it, shock, anger, sadness, love, fear, and guilt. As I experience and express some of these emotions (in a way that is safe and acceptable to me) the grief experience gradually passes.
For most western men, experiencing and expressing grief doesn't mean talking a lot about it or emoting directly. More often it means doing an activity such as going on a solitary fishing trip, writing in a journal or taking up some physical outlet like running.
Recognizing that men are individuals and my own ways will be different than others, as my partner you can help me in my grief:
• Give me more space and time without becoming fearful that my moving away means that I won't ever come back.
• Suggest that we do some quiet activity that gives me some room for soul searching and reflection: perhaps a camping trip, a week at the ocean or time away from the routine.
• Share something about your own experience of loss, but don't interrogate me about how I'm feeling or suggest how I ought to be feeling.
• Being more quiet and reflective yourself, even if you feel uncomfortable. Resist the urge to talk to fill the silent space.
Experiment: Attend a talking circle and speak for a couple of minutes about a loss you have experienced.
Affirmation: We are healing from loss and becoming more fully conscious.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved.
