From The Daily Dialogue
From The Daily Dialogue
Broadcast of 8/2/98
Subject: [DailyDialogue #212] Problem Ownership
"A core concept in the Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) model is the 'principle of problem ownership.' Its importance cannot be overstated, because we have learned from our interviews with parents that mistakes in using the P.E.T. skills quite often are the result of parents' confusion about this principle."
- Thomas Gordon, Ph.D.
Over twenty years ago, Thomas Gordon, a licensed clinical psychologist founded Effectiveness Training, Inc., a training program for how to work with children. He developed the original techniques of active listening, I-messages and no-lose conflict resolution. I have found that his basic guidelines have stood the test of time in my work with children and adults over the past twenty years.
A favorite concept that I learned from Thomas Gordon is that of problem ownership. We often think of conflicts as having an offender and a victim. When couples come to counseling with me, they tend to race for the victim position, each hoping I will determine they are right. They sometimes resist my efforts to engage them in active listening, I-messages and no-lose conflict resolution. They have often heard of the age old concepts and think the structure will impede their ability to win their case.
I take the position that whoever is concerned about something has the problem and it is their responsibility to do something about it. When we feel victimized, we often wait for the "offender" to come to us to apologize. If something is bothering us, instead of determining who played what role, we can take responsibility for clearing it up. I believe that in relationship issues, we both play a part in creating the conflict.
Experiment: Take ownership of the issues that bother you and dialogue with the people involved to clear it up.
Affirmation: I am communicating openly and honestly about how others' behavior affects me, taking responsibility for finding a solution.
The Daily Dialogue is published each day of 1998 by e-mail. Copyright 1998, Eddy Brame and Marty Crouch, All rights reserved.
